I have a confession to make… I have an illness… an addiction in fact.
I have had this since probably my mid-teens, although im pretty sure the apple doesn’t fall too far from the tree where my father is concerned.
I remember a specific moment when I was 19 years old whilst my mother and I were shopping at the Metro Centre one day… we were looking for some winter boots and she picked up more-expensive-than-usual pair for me to try on – I frowned and said, “Non, Maman, ils coutent trop cher”, she looked up at me with a shimmer in her recent tired eyes, “on ne sait pas le temps qui nous restent”. And I bought my boots.
Once I lost her, I travelled far and alone. Moments of sadness, of distance from the self, from the world, I needed to make myself feel better. I needed an outlet.
Just short, passionate moments where I would lose control and allow myself to give in.
Soon enough, anytime I felt sad, I would pursue my habit. I felt happy and I felt whole again. At least until it wore off – which, like any habit, it does, so you need more.
If I timed it right, I could just have it in my apartment, admire it, think of the possibility… until I couldn’t resist any longer and I could use it, use it up, show it off and feel whole again.
This is where the problem lies, you need to keep doing it as you quickly lose the high.
And this is where the money disappears.
Okay, I’ve made it sound like crack addiction long enough.
It’s not drug abuse, nor alcohol, nor self-harming.
It’s the soft porn version of all those things – but it is an addiction.
Buying New Clothes.
Yes, yes, what a boner kill.
But honestly, I’d be a lot richer without this problem. And I’d probably have less image-issues of myself as I wouldn’t put ALL of my appearance on the clothes that I wear.
Surely that’s what defines us? It’s the story we tell? It’s the attraction we feel?
In Taiwan and Spain, where I had full time successful jobs and only needed to provide for myself-type lifestyle, I wouldn’t notice the mountain of clothes in my wardrobe pilling up. Nor the fact that every 3 months I would give bin bags of clothes to charity – having only just bought the items.
In Canada, where once I ended my *sigh* wonderful farmlife summer, I didn’t worry about buying new clothes. I guess I didn’t have my empty feeling creeping up? Who knows – I’m not going to analyse my mental health too much.
I worked for that yoga-clothes-store, and at the end of my little experience there (I still won’t say the name as, if they are a cult, I’m done for) I realized that I spent the same amount of my earnings on the store products! (with 40% off) That’s a shit load of money to spend of yoga-only-specific clothing. I’m not a yoga freak either – I even have a t-shirt that says ‘Yoga Kills’. It’s great.
And now, after trying and trying to keep afloat of working part-time (very few hours) teaching again and taking on private students (if they don’t cancel) I’m barely making my monthly rent.
And yet – my clothes’ collection keeps getting bigger.
This being a noticeable-if a little late-problem.
So – I SHALL CHANGE THIS.
No more dreading my gas tank getting low whilst wearing a new pair of jeans.
No more second guessing my Walmart bill in a new skirt.
No more spending my ENTIRE salary on items of cloth. CLOTH.
2017 will change.
I have decided on a project – in 2017 – I will not buy myself any new clothes.
It will be tough and I’m sure I will think of myself as an idiot once January 3rd arrives but – fuck it – I want to see what happens.
Maybe I’ll do some huge soul-searching, maybe I’ll go crazy. Who knows? I’d love to find out.
I may even have tons of money saved up so that I can travel somewhere completely new again 🙂
I may find a new habit, a new passion, something free or even some course – karate, anyone?
Maybe it’ll be a bad habit?
I’ll put money saved towards more banjo lessons again, something that has slowed done waaaay too much since leaving farmlife.
Maybe, I’ll start to love my physical image because I have learned to love my internal-self and feel beautiful no matter what I wear? oooooh that’s a deep one. *sorry I threw up from the cheese.
I hope that I will learn to appreciate the clothes that I do have and not find wearing the same items together more than twice suddenly boring. Maybe I’ll enjoy wearing something that I feel comfortable in.
Maybe, I really will, just go crazy.
But I am stubborn. So I do think I’ll get through it.
And I can just write really boring blog posts as therapy 🙂
Winter has certainly arrived over in the Ottawa Valley.
I shall leave with winter photos….
Oh and I saw my loves again….